he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
