I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
