Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize