i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
