I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
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