i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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