Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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