And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Please, let me fuck your mom
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Randomize
