brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
