drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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