2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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