Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
