so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
