NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
