The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
