I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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