She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
