I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
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