So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
