The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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