nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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