Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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