I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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