i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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