So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
we're making bets on your personal life
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
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