there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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