Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
