So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
