The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize