the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
