Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
