Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
