Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
