Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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