I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize