So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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