You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize