Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
false alarm, still single
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
