Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
