My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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