Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
