I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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