I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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