every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
