John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
