i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
