Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
