What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
