Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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