I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
