I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
