White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I yelled at your uterus for you.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
