Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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