This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
