Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
