your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
