you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
